A Personal Testimony

Until now, I have shared only a little bit about myself. Some who read this book may ask, "who is he, to categorize people as animals or to cast judgment on my choices in life?" Very deliberately, I have waited until after the Pig Section to include my own journey through life. There is nothing in my life which I have done, that has earned me a place in Heaven. Quite the contrary, most of what I have done and failed to do, would be enough to keep me out of Heaven. If not for my Born Again relationship with God, I would be destined for eternal separation.

My life story, when read from end to end, would read as a complicated paradox, with conflicting testimony from witnesses throughout. Much of my life before Christ was spent living like a pig or goat. There were many times when I tried to be a sheep, but the standard was much too high and I lacked the willpower and stamina to keep up. My addictions and foibles were not much different from those of the average person. Therein lay the problem with my life. I spent too much time comparing my life to those of others, to see where I fell on the measuring stick of life. In my mind I was much better than Hitler or Stalin and I felt as though I was doing a passable job of "being good . . . most of the time." How is it that I have come to a point in my life where I am sure of my eternal destiny? The easiest way to explain my confidence, is to let you know about my journey to Christ.

I was born and raised in a middle class home in Pittsburgh, PA. I was raised by two loving and supportive parents of different Christian denominations. My dad was a Congregationalist and my mother was Roman Catholic. From each of them I learned the basics of the Christian Faith. Although I knew about God and the story of Jesus’ life and death, I was not involved in a relationship with them. Culturally, I was a Christian, but in the eyes of God I was still outside of His grace. The fragility of my faith often left me in worry as to where I would go when I died. I wanted to go to heaven, but I did not know for sure how to get there. My parents agreed to disagree on the particulars of how to get to heaven. They left it up to their children to decide which faith they would follow. I went to Catechism and made my First Holy Communion at my mother’s church. I attended Mass infrequently until I was in the fifth grade. It was at that time that I started regular church attendance with my dad. I attended church faithfully for five years, rarely missing a Sunday. I attended church not out of love for God, but rather out of duty, in hopes of getting into heaven when I died. I respected and feared God, but I did not love him as I should. I was taught that he was good and loving, but I didn’t know for certain if he liked me.

The confusion of my early church life lead me to a false understanding of how to get to Heaven. In my mind, the way you get to Heaven, was to measure up to some undocumented standard of conduct and ethics. Salvation would be based on the judgment of God as to where I fell on the measuring rod of life. As long as I was basically good (defined by me), I could expect to spend eternity with God. As long as I didn’t commit murder, or adultery, or didn’t covet (whatever that was), I would get to go to Heaven. I could cinch my position in Heaven by trying to be better than the people around me. In that way, I would find myself on the upper end of God’s measuring rod.

Try as I might to "be good", I failed miserably. By seventh and eighth grade, I was regularly drinking alcohol and smoking dope with my friends. Fitting in with the neighborhood was more important than "working on" getting to Heaven. I told myself that I was still young and had plenty of time to tip the judgment scales in my favor. With each sip of whisky, I would comfort myself with the fact that God knew my heart. I self righteously thought I was doing a better job of being good than the guys I was drinking with. My life was so hypocritical. I wanted to be good, but I knew I was failing horribly. I wanted to be cool and fit in. I hated myself because I had to surrender my individuality to gain acceptance. We don’t like to admit that fitting in with our peers (friends, family or coworkers), is more important than a relationship with God.

In my private thoughts, I was tormented by the fact that there was a huge gulf between God and me. I knew the reason for that gulf, was my attitude in life. I didn’t have a clue as to how to bridge that gap between us. I tried being good and it was of no comfort to me. I knew that God is love . . . Jesus, His son was nice . . . and that Jesus died so that I could somehow go to heaven. I had pieces of a shattered picture in my hands. The pieces were not arranged in any particular order, but I knew there was a masterpiece somewhere among the pieces. I was without a clue as to how I could put things together.

Not knowing who to talk to, or even what to ask them, I grew frustrated to the point of indifference. My late teens and early twenties were focused on "having fun." God would not speak with me audibly when I attempted to pray. In order to "punish him", I put all thoughts of him in the furthest reaches of my life. Even though I shoved him aside, I could not let go of Him . . . or was it Him, not letting go of me? From the furthest reaches of my life he relentlessly called out to me, but I did not know how to respond.

I had my partying image polished to perfection. My friends could testify to the fact that I knew how to have fun. Armed with sarcastic wit and a case of beer, I could entertain for hours. Drinking and carousing were my business cards in life; I would gladly show them to anyone who wanted an exhibition.

When I joined the Coast Guard, it magnified the problems inside of me. I was what was called at the time, a "4.0 Sailor." I could take any assigned task and perform at a high level of proficiency. In my eyes I was living out a perfect existence. My supervisors were impressed by my work ethic and my shipmates were happy to have someone who was fun to be around. Hours of sarcasm and drunken observations on life, could not fulfill a man who needed something much greater. At many points in my life, death would have been a welcome visitor. I felt as if there was no purpose for me to even draw breath. As far as I knew, my life consisted of being born, eating, sleeping, laughing and then dying. The world became a target for my cynicism and sarcasm. Between my laughter and entertainment, I grew to hate the world and the cruel joke it perpetuated upon me.

Then one day in the summer of 1982, God allowed a single ray of sunshine to peak into my dark world. A Christian couple, who lived across the hall, began to speak and wave at me for no particular reason. I suspected nothing about their personal lives, other than the fact that they were nice people. They parked beneath the balcony of my apartment and would call up to me, while always making sure to include a friendly hello. Greg (the neighbor) noticed that I played softball for the Coast Guard team, so he used it as an opening to strike up conversations with me. One day he invited me to go watch "some friends" of his play in a game. After accepting his invitation, we drove to a nearby ball field. We had a pleasant conversation on the way over, but as we arrived at the field he informed me that "his friends" were part of a church team. Greg must have sensed my nervousness as we took a seat on the bleachers. In the car he had talked about church and God, and now we were about to watch a bunch of Jesus Freaks play softball. I had been around Born Again Christians in the past and I did my best to avoid them. They were too gung ho for my tastes and I had long ago concluded that they were needlessly overzealous. Even though I was unsure of my eternal destiny, I was sure in my mind that you didn’t have to be like one of them.

This particular afternoon was the spark of a fundamental change in my life. As the game unfolded in front of us, Greg carefully compared and contrasted Christianity with the secular lifestyle of the other team. He used softball as a metaphor, to explain his lifestyle without being condescending or critical of the other team. He was proud of the way his "brothers" upheld their Christian values and still gave a good account of themselves on the field. The conversation between Greg and me was not in the least bit awkward. It seemed to flow with the easy pace of the game, which the Christians won rather handily. At the end of the game, the team and its fans knelt down and prayed in a way that I had never experienced. I was left with a strange stirring in my soul, something that I hadn’t experienced in years. I made no commitments that day, but remained struck by all that had transpired.

Looking back through time, I am able to see that God introduced himself to me that day. He used my neighbors to speak to my heart. Day after day they would come home from work or school and look up at me on the balcony. There I would sit; with a can of beer in one hand, a cigar hanging out of my mouth, and Jimmy Hendrix or Alvin Lee blasting from my boom-box. They passed no judgments on me, they didn’t ignore their wild neighbor; they showed me kindness without condescension. It made no difference to them whether I was drunk or hung over from the night before. They showed me the compassion of Jesus, regardless of my internal condition. They showed me something in life that I had not observed in Christians (or the secular world before). I will always remember with fondness, this introduction to Jesus Christ, even though time has erased the faces and complete names of his servants.

A short time later, the Coast Guard transferred me to Huntington WV. My coworkers took great delight in welcoming me to West-By-God-Virginia, the heart of the Bible belt. I was told to set my calendar back 50 years because "you ain’t seen nothin yet!" I was told how Christians demonstrated with placards outside of a local auditorium, as tickets went on sale for a rock concert. I was pointedly informed that there was no middle of the road for people in this area. They either listened to Hank Williams Jr and George Jones or went to church every day. Here I am, a rock-n-roller from Pittsburgh; caught up in the middle of this mess, with no one to blend in with.

Confrontation came quickly one Sunday morning as I attempted to wash my car in front of my apartment. I brought my boom box out and quietly listened to a cassette tape. I tried to be respectful of my neighbors and their chosen lifestyle. Within minutes, I discovered that trouble will come looking for you, even if you are not searching for it yourself. Neighbors all around me (at least four different apartments) decided that my music was inappropriate for public exposure. Two neighbors brought radios out to their front stoops, cranked up the volume and then went back inside their apartments. Another neighbor came out and rolled the windows of his car down and cranked up the volume of the car stereo. A fourth set of neighbors opened an apartment window, placed the speakers from a living room sound system on the window sill (facing the parking lot), and attempted to drown out that old "devil music." I looked around the apartment complex in total amazement. I was the only one outside to hear this strange symphony of country preachers and cryin’ in yer beer country music. Proving once again that I can be just a juvenile as the next person, I went back inside my apartment and returned with some of my music. At full volume, my boom box answered with a volley of Jimi Hendrix’ Greatest Hits. I made up my mind that morning, that none of these nuts were going to change me or my taste in music. As far as I was concerned they could keep their Jimmy Swaggerts and their Hank Juniors . . . if this was good old fashioned southern hospitality, they could keep it!

God has a funny way of breaching deep trenches that we have dug in our lives. When He wants to speak to our hearts, He knows just which avenues to take. In the spring of 1984, God brought a beautiful young girl into my life, who would later become my wife. From a very early age, Kim (my future wife) had known and loved the Lord. Although her relationship with Him had grown cold recently, she maintained a healthy respect and never spoke negatively about Him. At various times during our courtship we discussed "being saved." She never pushed the Born Again experience on me like other had tried to do. Unlike some of the crazy Christians to whom I had previously been exposed, she seemed to have her head screwed on right. When she spoke about having a relationship with God, her opinions carried more weight with me. Even though I respected her opinions on salvation, I remained convinced that salvation was something that I could earn through hard work.

When Kim accepted my marriage proposal, it led to my next interaction with "Christians." Sharon, my future Mother-in-law, burned up the phone lines attempting to line up a preacher who would consent to marry us. Because of my "questionable religious background," her requests were either turned down, ignored or put off. God however; brought forth a servant in whom I would later place great confidence. Raymond Bragg was a man of God who had a burning desire to see people come to know the Lord. Raymond was a very respected preacher in southern Ohio. Both sinners and saints called Raymond a good man. He was upright in his walk, and as far as I knew, never compromised his beliefs. Before consenting to marry us, he asked that we first come to his house so that he could get acquainted with us. In the back of my cynical mind I thought, "Here we go again, someone else needs to put us under the microscope for inspection!" I soon found out that Raymond was not that way at all. As Kim and I sat in his living room, he put me at total ease. He had a gentle spirit that contained none of the poisons that I had seen in others who wore their faith on their sleeves. Although I was "culturally a Christian" at the time, I believe Raymond could sense that I was seeking God. Five or six years after I accepted Christ, I had the pleasure of hearing Raymond preach at a revival. When I told him that Kim, Jeff Jr and I were saved, (born again) you could see a smile come over his face and his feet nearly left the floor. When he spoke of his joy for our salvation, I could tell it came straight from his heart. I could not have picked a better man to marry us. The same God, who brought Kim into my life, also brought the preacher who would marry us.

What was it that lead me to finally commit my life to Christ? Nothing that had happened in my life so far convinced me that I needed the radical change that others were advocating. I was newly married to a woman with whom I was madly in love. I was very successful and respected in my job with the Coast Guard. I was living in a nice ranch style home in a middle class suburb. I possessed more in life than I had ever dreamed of. I was living the American dream, and yet something was missing. I felt guilty for these feelings because I had been exposed to so much in my life. I visited Haiti while I was in the Coast Guard. I had seen the faces of real poverty and despair. I had witnessed marriages between friends dissipate into physical and emotional abuse. I had seen the underside of life and death for years, and now that I was blessed with so much, I felt guilty for my inner despair.

It was at this time of conflict that God brought me to the cross roads of my life. One Sunday morning as I was flipping through the TV guide, I spotted a Billy Graham Crusade advertized for later in the week. I asked Kim if she would mind me watching it. She was puzzled by the request which seemed to come out of the blue. I explained to her that my dad (who passed away eight years earlier) had always watched him. I was curious to see what it was all about. As I listened to Billy Graham speak that evening, all of the pieces to that shattered picture seemed to come together. For the first time in my life, I had a clear picture of whom God and Jesus actually were. The message was so simple that even a stubborn person like me, could understand it. The sermon only lasted about 40 minutes, but I was transfixed by what I was watching. As Billy Graham spoke on the prodigal son, faces from my past (including my dad, Greg in Cleveland, Raymond Bragg and my wife Kim) flashed before me. Their witness spoke to my heart, as strongly as the preacher on the television. The veil was lifted from my eyes, and for the first time there was an open pathway to God. I saw clearly that I was great in danger because of my distance from God. My balancing act of good deeds and good intentions had led me far from any real relationship with God. In an instant, I was confronted with just how far I had strayed - I saw my sins, which were too great to even number and I knew that something had to change.

The words of the sermon haunted me. Billy Graham had said that you can be sure your sins are forgiven. He also said that you can have eternal life if you repent of your sins. I wanted peace in my life; I needed to know for sure that I could be forgiven and that God loves me. I called the number on the screen and got a busy signal. I didn’t know what else to do, so I went out on the back porch and talked to God in the only way I knew how. I remembered a scene from a TV show called Roots. In that show, an African tribesman lifted his newborn son overhead and pointed him toward the starlit heavens. He instructed his son to "behold, the only one who is greater than you!" As I gazed into heaven, my eyes searched the skies for that same being. Not seeing, but clearly sensing his presence, I cried out to Him in the only way I knew how. My life was changed forever by what I said in the next few seconds. I said, "I’m not sure what is going on, but here it is . . . Behold, the one who is greater than me . . . God I don’t know what is happening, but I am going to trust you to lead me in my life . . . I have tried to be good and made many promises to you . . . I have failed you every time . . . tonight I am going to try to follow you, but I need your help!"

Some Christians, who read my prayer, will say that I wasn’t really saved that evening, since I didn’t use all of the magical church words that one is supposed to use. I can tell you this one thing for certain; maybe I didn’t follow the program, but I certainly received forgiveness that night in September of 1985. God took my humble prayer of surrender and honored it with his forgiveness. I will forever be grateful to God, for His forgiveness and acceptance that night. There was no mark placed upon my forehead, nothing I could point to as a clear external sign. The change took place inside of me, or as we Christians say, "In my heart."

By the world’s standards, I was not an evil or wicked person. Quite the contrary, many who knew me before I was a Christian, said that I was a "good person." I always tried to do what was right, as judged by the society that I lived in. In my "good life", I was blind to what I was actually doing. I was a liar, a thief, a fornicator, my mouth was full of deceit; in truth I cared for one person in life, and that was me. I lived life by a simple creed; "we are even in life, when I am one up on you." The sins which I list are but a few from a long and ugly past. It is not easy to speak honestly with you about my past. It is painful at times to remember from where I came. It is something that I must purge from myself, in order that you might accept all that I have previously written. I offer up my sinful past to give hope to you, the reader. If God can forgive my sins, he will surely forgive yours. If you feel that your sins are greater than mine, the scriptures say that your sins can also be forgiven. Nobody has traveled too far from the grace of God.

When I described pigs and goats in the previous sections, I did not do it with a self-righteous attitude. The reason I can describe a pig’s life so accurately, is because I have so much prior experience. I spent too much of my life feeding from the hog trough of life and rolling in the filth of sin. I painfully share my past, with the hope that those of you who are lost, can find Jesus. I am no better than anyone else . . . in some ways I was worse than most. God loves you and can show you a tenderness which is beyond description.

If I were to solely describe my sinful past as that of a pig, I would not be completely accurate in that depiction. My life would unfairly be reduced to a one-dimensional quality. In truth, I (like everyone else) possessed a mixture of pig and goat like qualities. There were many qualities in my life that many people would find attractive. I had a very wild sense of humor and loved to entertain people. Sarcastic wit and pride were badges that I proudly displayed upon my chest. In a verbal or physical confrontation, it could be said that I always gave a good account of myself. I fiercely defended my values in life. My "values" however, seemed to change from year to year, and they always found their rooting in the group with which I was hanging out. As much as we hate to admit it, we all seek acceptance from our peers. We might occasionally, strain at the boundaries of our world, but for the most part we are content to live our lives like our peers.

The qualities that I formerly possessed made me popular, but they didn’t bring me peace or contentment. I had to become someone I did not enjoy being, in order to fit in and win approval. The quality I detested most in other people was phoniness. One of the reasons for my inner misery was that I was chief among the hypocrites. The facade which I had built around me may have looked good from the outside; but I saw it for all of its ugliness on the inside. The fun loving and mischievous goat like qualities of my life were smothering a life which I hadn’t realized existed.

Two days after I accepted Christ, Kim rededicated her life to the Lord. I thank God, not only for saving her soul, but for also making my Christian walk a lot easier. I can’t imagine how much harder my life would have been if she had not taken those first steps with me. I have seen how hard some Christians have it, when their spouse struggles against them and their new found faith. To have your home as a place of refuge from the discouragement that Christians must sometimes face is priceless.

One of the biggest blessings that I received from my new relationship with God is the ability to receive and give love to others. I was in love with Kim while we dated and when we were first married, but through Christ, I learned to express and feel that love with an unimaginable depth. I don’t mean to sound mystical in my depictions of Christian living. I can only relate my first hand experiences and hope that you understand. Until my oldest son was born, I didn’t think it was possible to love another as much as I loved my wife. God created space in my heart to accommodate the precious life of Jeffrey. Seven years later He showed me that there was room enough for Jacob, my second child. God showed me that it was possible to love my second child as much as my first, without showing partiality. So much of what God has shown me in the Bible has been illustrated through daily life with my family. God has demonstrated for me, through my personal experiences, that his love for me is much more than theoretical. I understand in part, his love for me, by experiencing my love for family. I have taken the love which he has given me and extended it to my wife and children.

As I grew in faith, my love began to expand beyond family boundaries. I now have a love for others, even when they may hate me and what I stand for. Forgiveness for transgressions against me, which were once impossible, is now a reality. Rather than seek the destruction of my enemies, I now seek their inclusion into my family. When I accepted Christ into my life, I found a freedom which I had never experienced before. This freedom was not always realized overnight. I had a lot of excess baggage which God helped me to get rid of. To this very day, I continue to grow. There are still things that God is revealing to me, new lessons to be learned, and changes to be made.

A Christian life, for all of its benefits, is not an easy road to walk. Satan does his very best to bring discouragement upon the life of a believer. His attacks are brutal and without mercy. Satan’s one desire is to see us separated from our loving Father. He will use any weapon at his disposal; including family, friends, coworkers, (and in some instances) brothers and sisters in Christ. Satan’s reasoning is that the end does justify the means! With Satan there is no motivation of love, only a selfish desire for destruction.

Satan’s most brutal attack against me and my faith came in February of 1990. Kim and I were still new believers, but sincere in our love for the Lord. We were doing all that we knew to do for God. We were attending church regularly and our lives (I felt) reflected the love of God. There was nothing going on in our lives which could have provoked God to inflict the horrible events which were about to take place. The attack bore the unmistakable fingerprints of Satan.

Our oldest son, Jeffrey, complained of abdominal pains and was running a fairly high fever. There was a stomach virus going around and it was assumed that he had caught what everyone else was going through. When it didn’t pass, we took him to his pediatrician, fearing appendicitis. The Doctor examined him and assured us that Jeffrey was suffering from a particularly strong virus. He said that Jeffrey would recover from it in a few days. The pediatrician was well respected in the medical community and we had no reason to doubt his diagnosis. We took Jeffrey home and followed the doctor’s instructions to the letter, placing all of our trust in him. His condition worsened over the weekend, but we stayed in constant contact with the doctor, updating his condition at least 4 or 5 times per day. Our apprehension grew to the point where Kim and I could stand it no more. I called the doctor to inform him that we were taking Jeffrey to the hospital. The doctor agreed and said that he would phone the hospital to schedule the necessary tests.

What would transpire in the next few hours was too awful to imagine. The Emergency Room doctors who examined Jeffrey said that he had appendicitis. They went on to say that his appendix had been ruptured for at least two days. My whole world seemed to stop, as Kim and I burst into tears. Emotions flooded our hearts as we looked down on our precious four year old, who lay dying before us. Anger and hatred welled up in my heart when I thought of Jeffrey’s pediatrician and his bungled diagnosis. Self hatred also raged because of my own stupidity. I trusted too much in one doctor, I should have followed parental intuitions to seek further help.

Unknown to me at the time, an evil presence entered the room. While Kim and I wept bitterly he spoke to me with an inaudible voice of false compassion. Jeffrey displayed nothing but the innocent bravery of a 4-year-old. He was confused by all that was going on around him, but his child like faith lead him to believe that Jesus and his parents were going make him well again. As I looked into Jeffrey’s eyes, Satan launched his all out assault on my faith. His voice howled in my ears and the room seemed to spin like a strange surreal nightmare. Satan demanded answers to questions. Where is your God now? Look at your son laying there dying; do you see where your faith has taken you? You are a fool for believing all of that junk, God doesn’t love you, he hates you and now he’s killing your son. You see what I have been telling you, he never forgave you for your sins, it was all just a fairy tale and it is about to kill your son! YOU ARE A FOOL, God could NEVER love someone like you!

I thank God for the Holy Spirit, because without His presence I would have surely been crushed by the weight of Satan’s attack. My faith was literally hanging in the balance, as I stood at the crossroads of belief and rejection of God. Satan played upon my emotions as he tried to tip the scales in his favor. God’s love and compassion were able tip them in the opposite direction.

When I made the choice to cling to my faith, I became instantly aware of three things. It has taken almost eight years to put into words, that which I am about to express to you. Number one, Satan’s words were those of a liar. Since Satan speaks lies, I could trust nothing that came from his mouth. Number two, without God, Jeffrey was surely going to die. His life was literally hanging in the balance and God was the only one I could turn to. The final realization was that I was too small to understand the events which were swirling around me. I knew that God would speak further with me on this matter. The most important thing left for me to do, was to cling to God, and to trust him, no matter what the outcome.

The doctors meanwhile, laid out two options for us. To put off surgery would surely have resulted in Jeffrey’s death. As one doctor explained, "with surgery Jeffrey does not have a very good chance of making it . . . without surgery he has none. With tears streaming down our cheeks, we watched as they wheeled our son off to an unknown future. The outcome was very much in doubt, but Kim and I still clung to our faith. We went to the phones to call every Christian we knew and asked that they join us in prayer. As Kim and I prayed together, we were left with the hope of a miracle, which only God could provide. We had to place Jeffrey (along with all of our trust), into the loving arms of Jesus. There is no doubt in my mind, if had I listened to Satan, my son would not be alive today. If I had bitterly renounced my faith that day, (as Satan had tempted me) it would have resulted in my eternal separation from God and also my son.

Jeffrey had been raised in Church, and he loved Jesus with a child like faith. Had God chosen to take him on that day, he would have been taken to a place far better than I could ever have provided for him. Had I forever rejected God that day, I would have been destined for a place which was not prepared for me. I would have been eternally separated, from the one who cared more about me, than anyone I had ever known. God did not strike my son down with his appendicitis. God was not attempting to murder my son. Terrible things happen in the lives of believers and nonbelievers alike. As Christians, we are only promised His presence through these times. Why did God answer with a miracle at this time and not during similar circumstances in my life? I am not wise enough to answer that question. I do know that as a result of this experience, my faith and trust in Him was strengthened one hundred fold.

Kim and I literally lived at the hospital for the next 12 days. We prayed with more fervor than we had ever done before. Within two or three days, we were convinced that God would indeed provide a miracle and bring about a complete healing in our son. Jeffrey’s surgeon, however; was much less convinced, as he tried to prepare us for Jeffrey’s lifetime of future medical problems. The doctor said that Jeffrey would probably face problems with some of his internal organs; such as his liver, kidneys, heart and lungs. The doctor’s firsthand experience was at the root of his pessimism. He felt it was his duty to prepare us for the inevitable.

During the first week, doctors and nurses charged with Jeffrey’s care had little to do with him (personally). As he lay in the bed and innocently smiled at them, they coldly went about their duties and almost never made eye contact with him. Later we realized that this was probably an internal defense mechanism. Why get attached to a child who might break your heart by dying later on? Everything changed one glorious morning, when the doctor officially pronounced that Jeffrey had "turned the corner." This pronouncement shocked us because we knew ahead of time that he was going to make it. From that day on, the professional staff changed dramatically in their treatment of Jeffrey. Jokes and smiles which had been absent in the early days, now flowed freely in and out of the room.

Although I have never been involved in combat, it is the only description I can give for how we felt after surviving this spiritual war. We were drained physically and emotionally from the experience, but we were stronger spiritually. A stronger bond was formed not only with my wife and child, but also with God. Our home, my job, and financial security all faded dimly into the background, as we descended this huge mountain. Like Moses returning from Mt Sinai, I was changed forever by the events which had just taken place. God was (and still is) very real to me. I knew for certain that he had heard and answered my prayers. I also knew that my past was truly forgiven, and that I was an accepted member of His family. My increased faith was not based solely on Jeffrey’s survival (for which I will always be eternally grateful). Looking back, I can see that the major reason was due to the time that I spent with God in fervent prayer. The intense period of my total dependence upon Him, brought me to a better understanding of our relationship together. In my hour of distress, I was convinced as never before, that I could trust God and that He would never abandon me.  

Moving to The Next Level

After weathering the storm with Jeffrey, I began to grow restless in my faith. I was no longer content to remain pew potato. I didn’t want to occupy space in a church and await Jesus’ return. I wanted to serve God in some way, but I did not have a clue as to what he wanted me to do. I became aware of the fact that I had no real depth of knowledge in scripture. My spiritual growth up to that point had been steady, but very slow.

After my Born Again experience, I attended church on an infrequent basis. The extent of my learning was limited to the radio and TV ministries of Billy Graham and Charles Stanley. My lack of regular church attendance was holding back my spiritual growth. When Jeffrey was about three years old (prior to his appendix rupture), we began to regularly attend a church near our home. Regular fellowship with mature Christians was a huge second step for me, but now I felt God leading me further. I needed more, but I didn’t know what to ask for.

When Jeffrey returned from the hospital I was a changed person. I began to hunger for more knowledge about God. I was no longer content to let others "tell" me what the Bible said. I boldly asked God Himself to teach me. I had to know more about the One who did so much for me. After all, if you’re going to spend eternity with someone, it would be more than just "a good idea" to know them better. I would say the same would hold true for someone who decides to reject the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

My prayers for a fuller understanding of the Bible were answered in a relatively short period of time. The answer came at a cost however; as Kim and I were forced to make some difficult choices. In order to grow further, we needed to leave the church we were currently attending. We had to leave the security of what was familiar, in order to move to where God wanted us to be. During the transition there was a tremendous temptation to go back. I deeply sensed that returning to what was comfortable would not be pleasing to God. Each week for the next two months, we visited churches in the area. We were not searching for a denomination; we were seeking God’s blessing for a new church, a place where we could take root and grow.

We decided to settle on one particular church because of the "warm feeling" it gave us. It didn’t feel like I thought it would, but we assumed we could adjust and get comfortable there. Kim asked if we could visit one more church before making a final decision. We had driven past a nearby Methodist church on numerous occasions, so we decided to give it a try. At the Sunday night service, there were about 20 people gathered for worship. As strangers, we nervously entered their presence. To say that I was pleasantly surprised by our choice that night would be an understatement. Never had I felt so totally welcomed by a group of strangers. God had answered our prayers and given us a new home. There was no doubt in my mind that the Great Shepherd had lead us to a new pasture, a place where we were about to be fed. Burlington United Methodist Church (BUMC), under God’s leadership, brought huge changes to our lives. Pastor Fritz Merkes became a teacher and mentor, as well as the best friend (outside of Kim) that I had ever had.

Burlington United Methodist Church addressed many of the spiritual needs that I had. It offered a very strong discipleship program, as well as exposure to a variety of Christian ministries. With the freedom that God offered at BUMC, came tremendous spiritual growth. I was reading and understanding the Bible as I never had before. During my time at BUMC I could sense the Shepherd guiding His lamb as he grew. God was teaching me through the resource materials, as well as through the people with which I interacted. Blind faith, which would bend but never break, was developing sight and a much stronger foundation.

My exposure to the variety of ministries gave me a tiny glimpse of just how active God is, in the world. In youth ministry, I saw Jesus Christ touch un-churched children of all ages. Kids who had been written off by society, family, friends, and even themselves; were impacted by the living God. Children, who were calloused and chilled far too earlier in life, became fleshy and warm. Most who came to know Christ though the youth ministry went back out into the community changed, at least in some small way. My intuitions are more than just a "pie in the sky hope", that some will later seek a deeper relationship with the Lord. Many who passed though the church still remember a time when they were drawn to Christ. They were offered a taste of the good life. Those who drifted away are experiencing a different taste, one which the world offers. One day they will weigh in a balance, the opposing weights and make a choice for themselves. Only then will the fruits of our labors be realized.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, was another Christian ministry in which I was involved. Through a home visitation ministry, I was exposed to an underappreciated and underutilized Christian resource. Three individuals in particular, proved to me that life does not end at 40 years of age. I saw in their eyes and in their lives, more hope and joy than I had seen in people who were half their age. Time may have taken it’s toll on their bodies, but their spirits were flourishing. If they had regrets in life, it was only that they were no longer able to go to church on Sunday. I went into their homes, to reassure them that they were still connected to the church by our prayers and by our bonds of Christian love. On many of my visits, I would already be burdened by some minor problem in my own life. After an hour or so in their presence, I would come away with feelings of miraculous rejuvenation. I looked forward to my visits with them, because of the spiritual insights and wisdom that I could glean from their lives. I honestly believe I gained more from those visits than they did!

The Holy Spirit was also active in the lives of those who were affiliated with BUMC. People, who struggled with major chemical and sexual addictions, were able to throw off chains that had imprisoned them for years. It wasn’t just a case of getting "a little Jesus" in their lives before moving on. These people were changed as much as those who saw Jesus 2,000 years ago. People who survived horrific psychological scarring in life, had found healing and rest for the first time in their lives. Christian forgiveness and love was extended to those, who by the world’s standards, were not worthy of forgiveness. I have seen miracles of the heart, which Hollywood could only dream to capture on film.

During my years of Christian service, I have witnessed countless physical miracles. I know people who were sentenced to death by competent medical professionals. Those same persons are alive today because of answered prayer. Stroke and cancer victims, who were supposed to have been bedfast, are attending church services years later. People with diagnosed eye diseases, who are supposed to be blind, still have sight. Yes, the technological advances in modern medicine are wonderful, but God can go beyond what we see as possible.

Not everyone for whom I have prayed has been healed. Those who accepted Christ, before passing away, are far happier in their new life. Those who remained and were healed received that healing to be witnesses to unbelievers. Who receives healing, and who does not, cannot be explained by me. Death comes to all of us at some point in our lives. Where we will place our next step after death, is determined by our acceptance or rejection of Christ.

Like the gospel writers, I have tried to write about those things which I have seen, heard and touched. My walk with God has changed me into a completely different person. It goes far beyond the normal maturation process. When I speak of my love for ALL people, it comes from a heart that was changed by Jesus Christ. My eyes no longer see people through the jaded cynicism which once infected my life. By some, I am judged to be a hopeless dreamer; because I dare to see the possibilities for life through God’s eyes. God has blessed me to see beyond the possibilities of humanity, to get a glimpse life as He sees it. Having experienced how far God has taken me, I know that he can take ANYONE that same distance or beyond.

I have deliberately exposed my life (warts and all) to you (the reader), because I want you to know that life outside of Christ, is not real life. Trying to live life on humanity’s terms nearly drove my life to ruin. A person who does not come to Christ, will always be in bondage to sin, as well as the world around them. I tried living my life under the banner of some lyrics to an old song by Paul Simon. The lyrics went something like this, "I am a rock . . . I am an island . . . and a rock feels no pain and an island never cries." I had what the world coveted, great inner self-strength. I was cold and distant, always careful to guard my best interests. When I did good to someone, it was usually not a selfless act; it always involved a subliminal gain on my part. Jesus changed my life in ways I could never adequately describe. My life and accomplishments before Christ amounted to nothing. Whatever I do that does not involve Christ, will dry up and blow away, never to be remembered. I declare to the world, that Christ offers warmth and love, as well as eternal life.

I have no firsthand experience about crossing over into eternity; but so far, all that has been revealed to me by the Holy Spirit has been true. I know God is real and his promises are true, because I am in a relationship with Him. I have no reason to doubt, that the final step I take, will be into the loving arms of Jesus Christ.  

Tying It All Together

What I have tried to do in this book is to give you a taste of reality, through the simpler and stripped down lives of animals. We as humans, tend to complicate our lives; puffing them up into something much greater than they really are. We take pride in our intelligence and would like to believe that we are increasingly enlightened with each generation. Our pride deludes and obscures our vision of reality. Our technology has intoxicated us to the point, where we (if God permitted) could annihilate life on earth by simply pushing a series of buttons. We say we want peace, yet we murder those who work for it. We have the technology to feed the world and yet we do not. Instead of feeding the 5,000; we build bigger and faster computers to increase our profit margins and build faster and stealthier war planes to "maintain the peace." We marvel at our own democracy, while in other countries, human slavery continues to rear its ugly head. We talk of enlightenment in the 21^st century, but racism and hatred has not left the heart of mankind. Our society seeks a bigger slice of the pie, and it really isn’t concerned with how it will obtain it.

We as a species are trapped in endless cycles of covetousness and violence. Having taken our first steps into the 21^st Century, we should be mindful of the fact that (excluding technological advances) mankind has not significantly changed in more than 5,000 years. In those days, shepherds watched over their flocks and dreamed of peace and prosperity. They dreamed of one day "having enough" and being satisfied. That generation perished with unrealized dreams, as did its billions of ancestors. Mankind will never be satisfied with what it has. Our thirst for more, bigger, and faster; keeps us preoccupied much of our time, like a puppy chasing its tail. Where are we going? We’re going nowhere, and we’re going there fast!

We vainly search for things that can never be obtained. Despite the efforts of countless philosophers and inventors who have striven to make life easier, we remain unchanged. Man’s search for happiness will remain an endless cycle of thoughts and dreams, as long as he tries to go it alone. I have friends who tell me that they have "faith" that mankind will one day solve the world’s problems. They accuse me of burying my head in the sands of a superstitious religion and a nonexistent god. Mankind has a track record of thousands of years, to prove the folly of their thinking. When Jesus spoke of the blind acting as a guide to the blind, his voice should echo in the ears of this generation as well.

The United States stands as a beacon of hope to the rest of the world. If the Lord delays his return, this nation will one day be a distant memory. What we have said and done (outside of Christ) during our existence, will blow in the wind and mingle with the dust of Egypt and Rome. World power does not last; it is cyclical, and history proves it. We, who still enjoy religious freedoms, are missing a golden opportunity to tell the world the truth of Jesus Christ.

I believe one of the first steps in showing people the reality of life, is to peel away the facades under which we operate. We are a creation of God, just like the animals which we discussed earlier in this book. We were set above creation, but we were never divine, like the creator. Just as animals are unable to change themselves and their nature of being, we too are limited by our finite existence.

God is the only one who can truly offer change. He offers change through a relationship with Himself. God sees the misery of this world, and offers it hope through His son Jesus Christ. With eyes opened by God, we can see the reality of life. Only with our senses unblocked, can we be made aware of the sty in which we live. When we reject God’s protection, we are like goats lost in the wilderness, open for predatory attack. For all of our adorable (in man’s eyes) qualities, we will not be spared when the lion attacks.

Only through a relationship with Jesus Christ, can we obtain the internal peace that man has sought throughout his existence. A relationship with God is what the world needs to fix ALL of its problems. World problems would be solved, because for the first time, man would be removed from the equation.